At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher, was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule
and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John
Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by
the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes.